Wednesday, February 6, 2008


Welcome to the John McCain Complaint Department! Our offices have been inundated with chronic bitching and moaning about John McCain among self-styled "real" conservative Republicans. After much consideration, we have decided to start this site as a way to funnel all of your concerns to one place so we can deal with them more efficiently.

Something we've noticed: some folks have a difficult time articulating exactly why they don't like John McCain. They just know they don't like him. Well, we're here to help! What follows are some possible reasons you might want to latch onto to justify your own intense dislike of John McCain. You are not limited to these. Feel free to add your own.

Possible complaints:

1. Media people like John McCain and the media sucks.

2. Voters who aren't as intelligent and discerning as I am like John McCain.

3. John McCain cares only about himself, unlike other political candidates who think only of others.

4. John McCain hurts conservatives' feelings from time to time and even though we conservatives make a big show of claiming to make our decisions on intellectual thought and analysis rather than emotion, this makes it pretty obvious that we're kind of full of crap on that point.

5. John McCain is a big meanie. He should be nicer. Like Ann Coulter, say, or Michael Savage.

6. John McCain supported campaign finance reform and that's a really big issue in my life because I BELIEVE THE FIRST AMENDMENT APPLIES TO EVERYONE. Except for flag burners. And athiests. Plus I have $20,000 burning a hole in my pocket and now I can't give it to some politician to spend on robo-calls. Because of John McCain.

7. John McCain did not support the Bush tax cuts and made a big show about it by telling people his position on the tax cuts when they asked him what his position was. If he were a real conservative, he would have done what real conservatives did back then: let the president do what he wanted without getting in the way. That was good enough for us; it should have been good enough for him.

8. John McCain has had a better batting average on the war than the guy I voted for in 2000 because I didn't like John McCain and frankly that just pisses me off.

9. John McCain once opened a door for and had a pleasant conversation with John Kerry. Lunch once or twice too, probably.

10. John McCain generally rejects the idea of torture, which means he obviously doesn't understand the issue as well I do, even though he himself was imprisoned and tortured for five-and-a-half years in the Hanoi Hilton and the closest thing I've ever experienced to real torture has been trolling around eBay for cheap Hannah Montana tickets.

Anyhow, as we said, don't feel like you're limited to just these things. We're sure that there's plenty of reasons not to like John McCain that we haven't even thought of. Please leave yours in the comments below and we will forward them to the campaign as soon as we can.

Bonus points, by the way, for adding, after your complaint, something along the lines of "I admire his service" or some such, even if you don't have the faintest clue what either the nature of his service or the level of his sacrifice was. This makes the medicine go down easier, much as does "Bless her heart" from the mouths of southern women.